Thoughts

     The ashes of my fire consumed
  Wasting as I wait
          For something I can only smell
   At the back of my throat
                       Like a long lost child
I search with clouds of thread
          Wanting to remember the taste

Snakes and Crawfish

We were working at the landshare today, trying to get more seeds planted and the field flood irrigation going. I know, it is WAY late for planting out doors around here, but since we only recently came up with this agreement, it is what we have to work with. Hopefully something useful will actually grow, and it can be a positive experience!

Anyways, while planting with the kiddos, we saw some interesting things. First was a small garter snake I caught. It was about 18 inches long, and was slithering through the waterways we have made to irrigate the field we are working in. I am really surprised I even caught it, it was moving so fast. I wanted to get a picture, but I left my camera in the truck so it wouldn't get ruined in my pocket. The kids held it for a little while, and were quite pleased to see it there.

Second was the strangest and most unexpected. A Crawfish. In the middle of a field, in the middle of the desert! Our best guess is that it came from a lake about 15-20 miles away, and was carried through the irrigation canals to our little plot of land. Poor little critter was already dead, but I'm sure his nutrients will only help the soil in the area. Thank you, little Crawfish, for such an unexpected surprise!

Farmer Brown

I have had this post running through my head for several weeks now, and figured I should get it written down before long. It is funny how the little decisions you make along your life path can lead you to a totally unexpected place. When I was growing up, my great grandmother, Omi, used to grow her own veggies, make her own sausage, medicines, and liquor. She was born of the Volga Germans, and brought her daughter and grandchildren to this country in he 1950's. She was one tough lady (and quite crazy), but she lived a remarkable life. I wish she were alive today, because she would have been such a tremendous source of knowledge! Sadly, she died when I was in my 20's, before I was fully on this path of being self-sufficient. But I will always carry the memory of sitting in her kitchen, smelling her fabulous foods, eating her amazing desserts, and drinking her very potent cough syrups as long as I live. She planted a seed, which eventually terminated into where and what I am today.

When I was in middle and high school, there was a boy nicknamed "Farmer Brown." He was a small fellow then, quiet and pretty unassuming. Yet he had a passion for growing things. We were never really friends, but were among the same group of kids who had gone to school together since elementary school, so we knew each other well enough. I remember he once came to my house (I think he had a crush on me at the time, but I could always be wrong), and he gave me a gift of some of the peanuts he had grown. It seemed so surreal at the time, this boy farmer living in the middle of suburban Florida, with a penchant for growing crops in high school. Oh well, he is probably a corporate attorney or accountant by now. But I wanted to say thank you, Farmer Brown, for your peanuts and your strangeness way back then. I'm not sure it influenced this path I am on, but you were on my mind as part of a greater strangeness as to how one decision or piece of information can lead you on a different path than our ever expected. I really want my own farm and homestead in the woods. And I'm sorry for any teasing I did towards you. Apparently the gods have a sense of humor.

Land Shares and Homesteading

I found a great article on Homegrown.org recently that really highlighted for me the problems we (as a family as well as a society) are facing right now. I'll try to pull up a link, because I think it is important to share it. Essentially, we have been trying to figure out a way to buy property so we can homestead on it, without really having any extra money to put towards it. We DO already own a house, a decent enough one in the suburbs, but in a town we don't want to live in. With no room to breathe and space to call our own. We could sell the house, but would then be homeless, without the excellent credit needed these days to get another mortgage. But if we sold it, we might have enough to put towards the property we want. A conundrum for certain. Here is a link to the article. I think you will find it interesting.

One idea we had to resolve our dilemma was to put out essentially a wanted ad for a farm or land that someone had that wasn't currently using it. Does that make sense? We are farmers without land, looking for a farm without a farmer. I did a lot of digging around the interwebs, and discovered some promising programs for people like us, but there is no quick fix. We were hoping to find someone that had land we could use to grow some crops for the animals and veggies for ourselves and the land owner to share. This way we all benefit - their land gets used creatively and sustainably, and we get the experience and products of our labor. It has been variously called a land share or garden share, and is a great way to bring people together for their mutual benefit.

And in a roundabout way, we may have actually found someone to land share with us. We are currently working out the details, but I am pretty hopeful we will get something going in the next week. If I can find some other folks to form a co-op to help us out and work the land as a larger collective, it will be even better. This will hopefully (fingers crossed) be a good intermediate step for us while we figure out the monetary issues for funding our own homestead in the hills.

Goodnight Mama

Last night I had this whole post composed in my head, but I felt too sad and tired to post it. Since I have slept a bit since then, all those eloquent words have disappeared like smoke on this windy day. So now I lie here in bed, nursing my 2.5 year old son to sleep for his nap, while the tears roll down into my ears (I always hated that feeling) and my grief remains not fully expressed.

Yesterday I found out that a friend of mine, a mom in our local playgroup, took her own life. I am still feeling so stunned and at a loss for words. I know she had been struggling with being depressed. Less than two years prior she was finally diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, and she was hospitalized briefly last year because of it. Ironically, she was on medication and she and her husband and family were trying to decide if she needed to go to the hospital again. She had support and help to navigate what was going on. She had loving family and friends actively working with and for her. Yet her disease must have left her feeling so overwhelmed that she took her own life rather than continue. I am so sad for her children, husband, family, and other friends they will not have her bright light in their lives anymore. Goodnight Mama, I hope you have found your peace. I will miss you.

Words To Remember

There is always a certain element of danger, to me, in writing things down. Before the Internet, your deepest darkest thoughts or desires, once written down, could be discovered and used against you. Not that it was incredibly likely, mind you, but the element of danger was still there.

Today, whatever you write down is instantly made available to a whole host of people you don't even know, often from an entirely different continent, to be judged. Scary thought. I have often been hesitant to write certain things down, just because of that fact. I don't want my own words used against me, and I dislike having to defend my opinions that I held at a particular moment in time. I really don't care for conflict, unless it is of my own choosing. So with that in mind, I tend to think about what I have written before I hit the Send/Enter button.

I'm not sure exactly why I was thinking about that today, except that certain friendships (or memories of past ones) have been swirling about in my brain lately. I guess some part of me wants to have the last word, though the recipient would likely never even know it. With that in mind, I could fill the following with a tirade against those who have somehow done me wrong (or whom I have wronged), but my paranoia about the written word is getting the better of me once again.

Suffice to say that I am thinking about friends both current and past. Right now one is struggling with an illness that may take her from us. While I feel strongly that she still has much left undone, my gut feeling is that she will find her way to he next journey all too soon. I have learned to trust those gut feelings, if only because they have rarely steered me wrong, but here are times when they have turned out to be unfounded. I hope that this is one of those times. Keep on fitting, my friend, we all want you to stay rooted to this plane for a while longer.

An Update on Rune

So I thought now would be a good time to give an update on Rune, our little goat who broke her leg. It has been three weeks so far, and she seems to be doing just fine. Fine enough that we decided to add a little protective covering to the splint she has on (because of the snow and mud), and let her go back to the herd.

It all seemed to go well, being re-introduced to Alice and Rain (her twin sister), as well as meeting two out of three of the new does. The smallest one was in the garage/infirmiry we set up for her for about 2 days while she recovered from the stress of moving, etc.

Doesn't she look great?