Monday, April 2, 2012

Finding A Mountain

I think I mentally started this post a dozen times. So much has been going on the last few months, I feel like it has been a luxury to even contemplate posting, much less actually doing it! I think the main reason I am finally sitting down to post is I just want to get a few things out of my head, and clear my brain cells from some of the clutter.

In January, I took a trip by myself, for the first time in....I don't even know. Certainly BC (Before Children), and probably since early on in my marriage. Hubby and I truly enjoy each others company (even after 15 years of being together!), so there hasn't been a lot of incentive to go on a solo trip. This time was a little different. My folks offered to pay my way to California to have a week-long visit with family (I have quite a few relatives out that way) and to see my grandmother celebrate her 90th birthday.

It was a trip of mixed feelings. It was fun (although slightly stressful having to deal with airport security, etc.) traveling by myself. No kids to chase, no other people to look after but myself. I was sad to leave my family for a week, but it was a good experience. It gave me a much-needed breath of air, and allowed me to have a little time to myself and to see my extended family.

Seeing my grandmother made me feel sad. She is such a vibrant and bright figure in my childhood. She and my great-grandmother were such strong women. They were also both,tragically, rather crazy. I can understand their craziness to some extent was brought about by circumstances out of their control, but it has had lasting repercussions through our family relations. It was actually my husband who helped me forge a renewed relationship with my grandmother several years ago, and I think it was for the best. He told me that even though she was crazy, she was also an old lady and would not be around for much longer. So why not forgive her some of the craziness for the sake of loving your grandmother for her last few years on this earth. Such a smart man.

I felt so sad seeing her. It was almost like visiting with a shadow of herself. Some vague parts of her personality and speech were there, but her soul, her spirit was gone. She has been showing greater signs of Alzheimer's the last few years, and it has robbed her of much of her lively personality. She now lives in a home with 3-4 other residents, and doesn't remember much . I think it is a blessing, actually. She had such a hard life (crazy mother, remember?), and was such a bitch to her daughters (and daughters-in-law, and granddaughters, and probably nieces as well), that it a great irony of life that in her final years she remembers nothing. She didn't even remember me. I feel a little wistful that there was only a vague flicker of recognition, and sad that her memories are gone forever. It would have been interesting to have some written down or recorded.

Oh well.

In the middle of February, we discovered that someone in my in-laws neighborhood (where we have been staying with our animals) didn't like our piggies. They left rat poison in their pen, and some of the dogs got hold of it as well. Luckily, they were all fine, especially our two pregnant (!!!WOOHOO!!!) gilts/sows. So we realized that the universe was AGAIN saying "GET OUT AND MOVE", so we had better take the hint and FIND a way to make things work on land somewhere. After a few advertisements, we found out that people in Colorado were *really* interested in our pigs (especially the piglets to buy), and we found several folks willing to help us out in relocating our animals. One even had a place for us as well (!!), so for the last month or so we have been busily moving our pigs and goats and tidying up the place for human habitation. That is another story all together. Especially the "pig moving" story. Whew!

It is pretty rustic right now (no running water, no heat, spotty electricity, and even more spotty internet and phone service), BUT it is four walls, a roof and a ceiling for us, safety from poisoners for our animals, and hopefully a little more serenity and calm for our little family SOON. We are working very hard on making it so, so please forgive the lapses in posts as we try to work all this out. And keep your fingers and toes crossed that this is the right path the universe is setting us on!